Archive for August, 2006


sleepless nights.

Dearest Mummy,

I have been crying myself to sleep all these nights. Waking up in the morning is the hardest thing for me. Because I just don’t wanna go downstairs and see that you’re no longer there.



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After 56 years and a day of her life, and more than 4 years of battling cancer, Mummy has left us, forever.


She was admitted to Selayang Hospital last Saturday, 26th August, on her 56th birthday, because she had difficulty in breathing. When I arrived to see her, I immediately broke down, as I couldn’t believe how quickly her condition deteriorated. I was away for only a week in uni, and there she was, lying down in the hospital bed, unable to walk anymore and was suffering just to breathe. Her chest hurt really bad and my tears were just overflowing, although Uncle Tan told me over and over again not to cry in front of her. But how am I supposed to hold back the tears while having to look at my own mother who used to be such a strong woman,lie down crippled in bed like that.

When the doctor broke the new to us, that Mummy’s liver is no longer functioning, so is her kidney and her blood clotting factors were not working like they’re supposed to. Her legs, abdomen and arms were filled with fluid, so was her lungs, that’s why she found it hard to breathe. Her body and face was all yellow. The doctor explained that they can’t really do anything, they can’t even poke her to insert a tube to withdraw the fluids, as it would cause a hemorrhage. They could try dialysis, but only after approval from a nephrologist.

When he mentioned that Mummy had only a few weeks left, I felt as if someone has taken my heart from me and was mincing it into pieces! No, this couldn’t be happening, I thought. Mummy’s strong, she could talk to me, she’ll be okay, I was trying my best to console myself. Only after awhile did it hit me that this is no dream, and again, tears were unstoppable. I told Daddy I wanted to take the week off, or maybe the whole semester, I can’t do all this studying with Mummy like that. But Daddy said no, Mummy wants me to concentrate on my studies and she would be more sad if I didn’t do just that.

I prayed for God to give me the strength I needed.

That night, Daddy and I had a long talk. There were just so many things to do before Mummy leaves us. Both of us thought we at least had a few more days to settle everything.

We were so wrong.

The very next day, the 27th of August, I collapsed the second I heard Daddy’s tearful voice on the phone.
Mummy had passed away, at 2.50pm, after the nurses tried to remove phlegm from her throat, because her breathing was even more difficult that day.

I wasn’t even there.

She told me to go back and finish my work and whatever I had to do.

I should have stayed.

And I didn’t have a chance to ask for forgiveness from her.

I cried like a baby, a crazy woman or however you wanna define it. I was shivering. I didn’t know what to do next. I felt like taking my own life too at that very moment.

When Mummy’s body arrived at home that night, that’s when I myself found it difficult to breathe, I weeped like a child.

Daddy broke down when it was time to read the Yasin. It was the first time I saw him cry like that, and that’s when I realized that however devastated I am, he must be a thousand times more devastated than me, or my siblings for that matter. I hugged him and tried to comfort him. But the both of us just cried together.

I didn’t have the courage to look at Mummy’s face that night. I just couldn’t.

We buried her on Monday, and I finally managed to gather the courage to look at her face one last time.

And yesterday, everything has just started to sink in. For the four of us. Daddy just couldn’t stop crying. It hurts me to know that I’m not able to comfort him and be the strong one like I should.

I am not strong.

There will be no more Mummy’s voice, nags, smile, touch, laugh or even cries. There will be no more of Mummy’s delicious cooking and baking. No more calls and smses everyday to check on me. No more.

She will not be just downstairs like she always has been.

She really wanted to be at my graduation.

We had plans for this coming Merdeka. She cancelled them on Friday, as if she knew she wouldn’t be around.

Tears still have not been able stop flowing.
I feel as though there’s a huge rock on my chest.

I know I need to be strong for Daddy. And Marc, and Lene.

I feel that I have failed terribly in being a daughter.

I keep telling myself that it’s for the better, as Mummy doesn’t have to suffer anymore and she’s not in pain anymore.

But deep down inside I still wish I’d wake up tomorrow and all of this is just a nightmare and this huge rock on my chest would be lifted.


Dearest Mummy, I apologize for all the hardship I put you through. I’m sorry for all the times I raised my voice at you or hurt you. I’m sorry for all the times I made you worry. I’m sorry for being such a stubborn daughter. I’m sorry for not being able to be right by your side 24-7 when you were in pain. I’m sorry for everything.

I love you so very much and I’m missing you deeply. Like no one can imagine.

I honestly don’t know how to go on without you.

I am devastated. Everything just happened so fast! This is too painful.



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one after another.

So today I had a gastric attack pulak. Sigh.

En Tommy had to look for antacids for me, because as usual, I didn’t bring any although knowing the fact that I’m prone to having these attacks.

Especially after having food poisoning plus not eating anything!

It hurt so bad I was slumping when I walked and had to hold on to walls and chairs. Sigh.

Mummy’s birthday is this Saturday but I have some kind of a compulsory modul to attend. Sheesh.

My tummy’s still flat. Weeee! 😀



i had food poisoning. yeay?

Did I say I had to go to the toilet 15 times yesterday? Make that 18 times. Plus 6 times today. Turns out it was food poisoning! Phew! I was as weak as hell and my tummy hurt like it never hurt before. Okay, I’m exaggerating about the tummy part, but you get my point. 😛

I’m okay now, thanks to Loperamide HCL (Imodium), the trustful antidiarrheal and the good old antispasmodic, Hyoscine Butylbromide (Buscopan). Oh, and not forgetting the ORS (Oral Rehydration Salts) because without the two sachets I took, I might have just collapsed. 🙂

I’m afraid of eating at stalls anywhere now.


clover leaves.

Today saw me going to the toilet 15 times since morning.

Stupid diarrhea.

Although I must say I’m surprised that I’m so lucky that I didn’t get picked to go to the KLCC seminar thingy.

Oh, I had rice today. Which was my only meal for the day, thanks to the diarrhea.


Peek – A – Boo !


This is mine. Not yours.
So keep your censuring to yourself, thank you.


feeling The current mood of hunnylis at at the moment.

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