30
Aug
06

I AM NOW CRIPPLED WITHOUT YOU.

After 56 years and a day of her life, and more than 4 years of battling cancer, Mummy has left us, forever.

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She was admitted to Selayang Hospital last Saturday, 26th August, on her 56th birthday, because she had difficulty in breathing. When I arrived to see her, I immediately broke down, as I couldn’t believe how quickly her condition deteriorated. I was away for only a week in uni, and there she was, lying down in the hospital bed, unable to walk anymore and was suffering just to breathe. Her chest hurt really bad and my tears were just overflowing, although Uncle Tan told me over and over again not to cry in front of her. But how am I supposed to hold back the tears while having to look at my own mother who used to be such a strong woman,lie down crippled in bed like that.

When the doctor broke the new to us, that Mummy’s liver is no longer functioning, so is her kidney and her blood clotting factors were not working like they’re supposed to. Her legs, abdomen and arms were filled with fluid, so was her lungs, that’s why she found it hard to breathe. Her body and face was all yellow. The doctor explained that they can’t really do anything, they can’t even poke her to insert a tube to withdraw the fluids, as it would cause a hemorrhage. They could try dialysis, but only after approval from a nephrologist.

When he mentioned that Mummy had only a few weeks left, I felt as if someone has taken my heart from me and was mincing it into pieces! No, this couldn’t be happening, I thought. Mummy’s strong, she could talk to me, she’ll be okay, I was trying my best to console myself. Only after awhile did it hit me that this is no dream, and again, tears were unstoppable. I told Daddy I wanted to take the week off, or maybe the whole semester, I can’t do all this studying with Mummy like that. But Daddy said no, Mummy wants me to concentrate on my studies and she would be more sad if I didn’t do just that.

I prayed for God to give me the strength I needed.

That night, Daddy and I had a long talk. There were just so many things to do before Mummy leaves us. Both of us thought we at least had a few more days to settle everything.

We were so wrong.

The very next day, the 27th of August, I collapsed the second I heard Daddy’s tearful voice on the phone.
Mummy had passed away, at 2.50pm, after the nurses tried to remove phlegm from her throat, because her breathing was even more difficult that day.

I wasn’t even there.

She told me to go back and finish my work and whatever I had to do.

I should have stayed.

And I didn’t have a chance to ask for forgiveness from her.

I cried like a baby, a crazy woman or however you wanna define it. I was shivering. I didn’t know what to do next. I felt like taking my own life too at that very moment.

When Mummy’s body arrived at home that night, that’s when I myself found it difficult to breathe, I weeped like a child.

Daddy broke down when it was time to read the Yasin. It was the first time I saw him cry like that, and that’s when I realized that however devastated I am, he must be a thousand times more devastated than me, or my siblings for that matter. I hugged him and tried to comfort him. But the both of us just cried together.

I didn’t have the courage to look at Mummy’s face that night. I just couldn’t.

We buried her on Monday, and I finally managed to gather the courage to look at her face one last time.

And yesterday, everything has just started to sink in. For the four of us. Daddy just couldn’t stop crying. It hurts me to know that I’m not able to comfort him and be the strong one like I should.

I am not strong.

There will be no more Mummy’s voice, nags, smile, touch, laugh or even cries. There will be no more of Mummy’s delicious cooking and baking. No more calls and smses everyday to check on me. No more.

She will not be just downstairs like she always has been.

She really wanted to be at my graduation.

We had plans for this coming Merdeka. She cancelled them on Friday, as if she knew she wouldn’t be around.

Tears still have not been able stop flowing.
I feel as though there’s a huge rock on my chest.

I know I need to be strong for Daddy. And Marc, and Lene.

I feel that I have failed terribly in being a daughter.

I keep telling myself that it’s for the better, as Mummy doesn’t have to suffer anymore and she’s not in pain anymore.

But deep down inside I still wish I’d wake up tomorrow and all of this is just a nightmare and this huge rock on my chest would be lifted.

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Dearest Mummy, I apologize for all the hardship I put you through. I’m sorry for all the times I raised my voice at you or hurt you. I’m sorry for all the times I made you worry. I’m sorry for being such a stubborn daughter. I’m sorry for not being able to be right by your side 24-7 when you were in pain. I’m sorry for everything.

I love you so very much and I’m missing you deeply. Like no one can imagine.

I honestly don’t know how to go on without you.

I am devastated. Everything just happened so fast! This is too painful.

xoxo


8 Responses to “I AM NOW CRIPPLED WITHOUT YOU.”


  1. August 30, 2006 at 8:09 am

    sweetie…

    *hugs*

    I am so saddened as I heard about Godma’s passing from my parents. 😦

    Please accept my heartfelt condolences to you, Marlene, Marc and U. Raffur…

    Be strong cousin and if ever you need to talk, I’m always here for you. Take care!

  2. 2 Felicia
    August 30, 2006 at 2:08 pm

    Sayang…I know lots of people say they’re sorry at times like this, I never used to understand why – it’s not as though they did anything to apologise for and yet when I think of all the things I wish to say to you (instead of just bawling which never helps) all I think off is, what CAN you say? There is a helplessness that accompanies this loss of words and it is for this helplessness that we apologise for. And so all I can say is I’m sorry for your loss; I’m sorry for not being able to help you in this moment of grief, sorry for not being able to undertake your grief emotionally, even for one milisecond, in order to spare you the pain, sorry for not being there for you in the way I wish I could be. I love you and I know that your mother would be so proud of you. You carry her legacy on with you for she lives in you sayang…take care hun. God bless.
    “He will confirm, strengthen and support you.” Peter 5: 5-14

  3. 3 Gan
    August 30, 2006 at 4:38 pm

    My dear, my deepest condolences and may your mum rest in peace. I’m always here for you *Hugs*. If there’s anything I can do for you, you know I’m but a phone call away. Take care and stay strong.

  4. August 31, 2006 at 12:04 am

    hello melissa.

    ive been secretly stalking your blog. after reading this entry i couldnt help but tell you that im really really sorry to hear about your mom. this is just so sad and now i just cant stop sobbing, and everyone around me are just staring at me(im at a cc).

    i know i probably dont know how you feel right now, and i cant even imagine how you feel right now. shyt, im crying after just reading this, i cant imagine how it feels like to go through it myself.

    i really dont know what to tell you, coz i know that theres nothing that i can say, to make you feel better. but if there was anything that i could say to make you feel better, id tell it to you over and over again.

    i know this sounds weird coz you dont even know me. but, i really hope youll get through this fine. i hope all three of you will be ok. *hugs*

    btw, this is molly, edes girlfriend.

    love, molly++

  5. 5 baby
    August 31, 2006 at 1:56 am

    mel,

    (i know you know i’m not very good at all this)

    be strong.
    think of all the good memories.

    *hugs*

  6. 6 nanie
    September 2, 2006 at 3:25 pm

    be strong kak mel.. if u wanna have someone to talk to im here.. be strong ya!

  7. September 3, 2006 at 1:11 pm

    Consuela: Thanks couz, we were all prepared and knew she was gonna go but we never knew it was gonna be so soon. Thanks again.

    Feli: Thanks sayang. I love you.

    Molly: Thanks stalker. =p *hugs*

    Baby: Thank you love. It’s the memories that actually hurt. =( *hugs*

    Nanis: Thanks nanie. I’m trying my best.

  8. September 3, 2006 at 1:12 pm

    Woops. Nanie, silap eja. =p Sorry!


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