history.

It takes a lot of guts for someone to confess about what they have done earlier in their lives.
Especially if it isn’t something to be proud of.
Especially when something is at risk.

But what is life without risks?
And what is love without honesty?

I am positive that most of us have skeletons in our closets.
I have always been a firm believer that people can change. If they really want to and set their hearts to it.
I also believe that the past doesn’t dictate who you are now.

The past can hurt.
But you can either run from it.
Or learn from it.

I’m going to bed smiling tonight.
Goodnight everyone. 🙂

xoxo

alien.

This is how I would look with almost-straight hair. 😕

Lene: You know who you look like right?
Melissa: Who?
Lene: Christina Ricci.
Melissa: Hmm. 😐

And no, I did not straighten or re-bond my hair, it was just blow dried.
I think having straight hair makes my face look fuller. I don’t like. 😐
Lene has a new haircut. I like! 🙂

xoxo

love bite.

Daddy, Marc and I started our day by visiting Mummy.
Lene had tuition.
I’m making it a point to visit her more often after this.
It doesn’t matter if I have to go there alone.

That was this morning.
As soon as we came back, I went straight back to bed and slept like a log.
It’s almost 3pm right now, and I just got out of bed.

Daddy’s watching Total Recall. Marc’s asleep. And Lene’s out a friend’s place.
I’m bored.

Something is wrong with our router. One of the cable connections doesn’t seem to be functioning. So Marc and I have to take turns going online. Which pretty sucks.
How much is a new modem+wireless router? I know saw the price not too long ago at Lowyat Plaza but I forgot.

Marc lost a bit of weight. Poor him.
He wants me to cook some sambal kentang for him to bring back to Segamat.
Hmmm.

My tummy hurts.
My tummy always hurts.
It’s always uncomfortable.

I know what I’m gonna say next would sound pretty comical, coming from me.
You know, I have this dream of being someone who is able go around the world educating people, especially the younger generation on what will happen if they skip meals or vomit food or exercise excessively etc. I don’t want anyone to end up like me. It doesn’t feel good to have to worry about what you put in your mouth 24 hours a day. It doesn’t feel good to have extreme guilt after you chowed down a burger. It doesn’t feel good to have severe gastric attacks every now and then. And it definitely doesn’t feel good for your tummy to hurt and feel uncomfortable the whole time.
I want people to know that it is okay to not be skinny. As long as you’re healthy.
I want people to love their body. No matter if they’re a size 2, or 16.
I want people to love themselves.

Unfortunately I need to get myself to do all those things, before I can reach out to others.
If not I’d be like a blind leading the blind. 😕
But sadly, the world now is sickening. Portraying negative implications of not being stick thin and beautiful.
Sigh.

Did anyone get to watch the fireworks last night ? And by any chance recorded it ? I wanna watch !

I have always known what to say.
I have found someone that can shut me up and make me go speechless.
It does make me feel a bit brainless at times.
But no, it’s not a bad thing. 🙂

My lab coat needs a good scrubbing and bleaching. I’m off to do just that.

xoxo

evita.

“Deep in my heart I’m concealing things that I’m longing to say. Scared to confess what I’m feeling – frightened you’ll slip away.”
from the movie Evita.

xoxo

appetite.

I am emotionally exhausted.
And physically amplified. Haha.

The only downside to being happy is the part that it boosts my appetite.
I’m starting to have cravings for this and that.
It’s like hidden fattening trick I tell you. 😐

I miss Adam. 😦

My whole class was brought to visit the Malaysia Nuclear Agency today.
Personally I think the trip was a waste of time as most of us were yawning throughout the whole thing.
Luckily it lasted only half a day.

So, I didn’t get to watch any fireworks this year. Sad. Real sad.

Happy 50th Merdeka, Malaysia. 🙂

xoxo

dumbfounded.

I feel stupid/like an idiot.

xoxo

who’s stupid ?

Some people need more lessons on this thing called manners.

xoxo

chill.

Visited Amyrah’s grandma with The Boyfriend this evening.
He brought me to have cheese naan for dinner, as I was craving it since this morning. Thank you Smelly. 🙂

I think I’m gonna be sick again.

xoxo

^will you still love me tomorrow?

Tonight you’re mine completely,
You give your love so sweetly,
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes,
But will you love me tomorrow?

Is this a lasting treasure?
Or just a moment’s pleasure?
Can I believe the magic of your sighs?
Will you still love me tomorrow?

Tonight with words unspoken,
You said that I’m the only one,
But will my heart be broken?
When the night meets the morning sun.

I’d like to know that your love,
Is love I can be sure of,
So tell me now and I won’t ask again,
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?

(Originally sung by The Shirelles. Love the version by Amy Winehouse. 🙂 )

xoxo

makes me wonder.

I went through the past three days being an emotional mess. But then again, aren’t I always one? Ergh.
I only attended the first half of the compulsory career module on Sunday. Yeah yeah, the one we’re supposed to attend if we wanted to get our degree scrolls. 😐
Even only being in the first half bloody bored the hell out of me okay. Moreover, imagine my tears flowing while the speaker was joking about something horny. And they were not tears because of laughing too much. That’s how big of a mess I was that day. Even watching A Lot Like Love on my Zen didn’t do much for me. Sigh.

I skipped class yesterday.

Today, to add to the clutter in my brain, I received bad news from home.
Shall not elaborate.
I’ll just say it almost gave me a heart attack.
And I’m not exaggerating.

My eyes need rest.
Shed too much tears.
Penat.

The internet hasn’t been behaving these past few days. So irritating!

I need a new pair of jeans.
I need new tops.
I need a bigger handbag.
I need new undergarments.
In a nutshell, I need cash. 😐

The Boyfriend has been coughing for a few weeks now and it’s worrying me. I just had to make it worse by spreading my flu virus to him. Poor him.

I had a lot to eat today.
It’s not making me happy.

xoxo

get a grip.

Oh, for God’s sake snap out of it, Melissa!

xoxo

desolate.

I just wanna be left alone right now.
I wanna be by the beach.
Alone.

xoxo

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i miss you.

Why are all these memories haunting me right now?
Someone please help me stop these tears.

Al-Fatihah.

xoxo

most.

What i wish for most in my life now
– Sanity.

What i wish for most in my future
– Love, security and good health.

What I wish for most in the world
– Love.

What I would most like to do
– Exercise and lose weight. 😐

Things I am PROUD of
– My good friends. 🙂

Things I hope to AVOID
– Driving. Haha.

What I enjoy doing most now
– Being with Smelly. 🙂

The people I care about most now
– Daddy, Marc and Marlene.

What makes me SAD
– Losing the people I love and being lied to.

What makes me GLAD
– Ice cream, chocolates and kisses.

xoxo

best i can.

365 days.

Every day’s a brand new start of a pain never ending.
I can’t erase this lonely heart that keeps on remembering.
Standing here, holding my heart in my hand.
Trying to live every day the best I can.
You know it’s so damn hard letting go.
Of you.
-Chris Perez

xoxo

never whole again.

Dear Mummy,
Do you know that not a single day goes by without me wondering whether you forgave me for all the times I have wronged you?
For all the times I lied to you.
For all the times I raised my voice at you.
For all the times I ignored you.
For all the times I made you feel unimportant.
For all the times I disagreed with you.
For all the times I gave you the cold shoulder just because you wouldn’t let me do things my way.
For all the times I hurt you with my words.
For all the times I made you worry.
For all the times I made you cry.

😥

I am not proud of what I have said and done.
I am not proud of the fact that I didn’t have the opportunity to kiss your hands and toes and ask for your forgiveness before you left.

I do not know what was going through my mind, going on thinking I was right. And everything you said was wrong. 😦
You were always right.

I know I broke your heart a million times. And I won’t ever be able to forgive myself for that. 😥

It seems like only yesterday that you were sitting on the couch in front of the television. You were always there for me. You always listened. From stories about me scoring 90 in an exam to the annoyingly painful zit in my nose, you never failed to listen.
I still keep the text message I received from you, advising me to boil some bitter gourd, soya beans and salted vegetables and drink the soup for my pimples. Sadly, that’s the only message from you I kept. 😦
I don’t remember a single time that you never had a solution for whatever shit trouble I got myself into.

You were always so proud of me. No matter how small the achievement was. 😦

You were such a strong woman. Compassionate, sensitive and kind. You always put others first before you.
I wished I was more like you. 😦
I am no match to who you were.
I wished God would at least grant me strength like yours, to help me get through the remainder of my life without you.

Only God knows how bad I want you to be at my graduation.
Only God knows how bad I want you to be at my wedding. Remember how we planned it ? 😦
Only God knows how bad I want you to be able to be with and play with my children.
Only God knows how bad I want to be able to buy things for you with my own money. To make you happy. To take care of you. Like how you did for me.

I long to look at your beautiful smiling face again.
I long to hear your voice on the phone, calling to check on how I did for my exams.
I long to read the text messages you would send asking me whether I have eaten.
I long to hear you laugh at my lame jokes. Gosh, I miss the sound of your laughter ! 😦
I long to hold and touch you.
I long to sit in front of you and talk and talk and talk.
I long to listen to you talk. Or nag. Or complain. I don’t care. I just wanna hear you. 😦

I long for you to help me understand.

Nothing will ever be the same again.
I will never be whole again. Never.

xoxo

57.

57 if you were still around.
I miss you terribly.
😥

xoxo

dear coco.

I am sorry.
This sucks.
😦

xoxo

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